The Oldest Profession

This Friday ‘Neil’ joins us for the duration of the evening, slowly getting tipsy on a mixture of bottled ‘Corona’ lager and Jack Daniels + Coke.

Neil is happily married and displays his wedding ring upon the appropriate finger. The ring seems to have some sort of magical side effect, maybe it makes him appear more of a challenge but soon girls begin to flock and gravitate towards him. I test the ring but sadly it doesn’t yield the same results, Neil politely tells me that it’s probably making me invisible, prompting me to hand it back. Neil is also willing to dance and indeed he does, that contagious beat forces me to dance on the spot as well, Tim however stands as still as a statue watching us with a look of contempt (Tim doesn't do dancing). The next round falls to Tim, so off he trundles to the bar to buy the drinks. A lady, slightly on the wrong side of curvaceous with a few deep laughter lines approaches him, offers to pay for the round on the provision that he orders her a drink and follows this up with a snog! Neil sees Tim kissing this woman at the bar and points to the ongoing action. Tim has done it again, but she really isn't that bad and I'm impressed with his efforts. Her name is Michelle and her friends are Lisa and Suzie. In pecking order Suzie is the most attractive and then Michelle with Lisa trailing last, Lisa seems to be the intellectual member of the group and makes the best conversation, oddly I’m quite taken with her. Suzie and Lisa seem a little distant from Michelle and possibly even intimidated, this is just a feeling I get. As Michelle attempts to coax Tim to dance me and Neil can’t help but laugh, she will never get him to dance and she soon admits defeat and gives up. The night comes to a close. Neil gets a lift home from his understanding wife (driving to Bar Med in Jim Jams) and Tim is pulled out of the club by Michelle who has a firm grip on his hand. Strangely a single cab is waiting outside the club, not taking any other passengers but waiting for us, so we all hop in. The driver is ‘Andy’, a good mate of Michelle and was apparently waiting for her to leave, I wonder how he knew that we were leaving at that time?? He has no drugs or alcohol located in the car and knows of no one local that can supply anything, this is in answer to repeated requests ‘to score some gear’ from Michelle. Andy has seen her brother ‘Kevin’ that night and ‘Kevin’ is a grade 'A' nutter according to the driver, Michelle is quick to confirm this fact, she continues by informing us that if he knew where she was going he would come over and give both of us a good kicking. At this point a chorus of alarm bells are ringing in my head, while Tim looks blissfully close to falling unconscious. Michelle stretches across the backseat of the cab, putting her head in Tim’s lap and Tim’s hands on her breast ‘Ah-Oh’ announces the driver seeing all this in the mirror and causing me to look back at the spectacle. It’s going to be a long eventful evening. Tim pushes his wallet into my hand as we leave, which strikes me as odd but strangely wise at the same time.

Michelle thinks the flat belongs to my parents and asks where they are, I explain it’s mine but she looks doubtful. Tim wants a drink and Michelle wants any intoxicant she can get her hands on, I have a nice ‘Rose’ bottle of wine and a 25 year old single malt whisky. I advise them against the sealed whisky (only for special occasions) and the wine is opened, sadly those will be the only two glasses of wine poured from the bottle and the rest will be tipped away next day. She wants to listen to some music or watch ‘porn’, Tim will happily enjoy either but I suspect prefer the latter, I just want the morning and daylight to arrive. Leaving them both in the living room I head into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of chilled filtered water with ice. I return to the living room and freeze in my tracks as I open the door, standing in the centre of the room is Tim with a bra in his hands and Michelle with her breasts hanging out. “Do you mind?!?!” he yells. “How was I supposed to know?” I tell him, “It’s my bloody home...” I mutter as I head off to my bedroom. Tim walks to his spare room with Michelle, “Are we going to do it now or what?” (or words possibly a tad more vulgar) I hear him ask, “We need to chat..” she tells him and then I hear the toilet door shut. I’d got as far as removing my shoes and socks when Michelle enters my room (Tim had gone to the toilet) and she drapes herself across my bed. I’m more than a little annoyed and want nothing more than to get rid of her out of my room (preferably the flat). “What was your name again?” I ask, “Michelle” she giggles, “But that’s my work name” she confesses. “I’m also known as Nicole” she continued. My mouth is hanging wide, agape and I’m in a state of some shock, “Your working name?!?!” I repeat, “Yes” she laughs. Her real name is Laura, possibly. She tells me a story of a couple of guys who engaged in her services the week before, one had asked her to put a dagger in a place where daggers aren’t usually kept. “Tim isn’t into any of that weird shit is he?” she asks in a small voice, “Yup Tim is exactly the sort of guy who would want you to shove a dagger up your cu…!” Tim enters the room catching the last sentence and immediately turns into a rage. “Apologise to me and Michelle, NOW!” he shouts. “What?!” I ask. “Apologise!” he shouts again. The whole surreal quality of the evening slips away and the raw ingredients of the night sink in, I’m standing in my bedroom in my home being told to apologise for the stupidest comment made to a prostitute. I feel myself begin to burn and a small spark of fury begins to rise. “In the kitchen, NOW!” I shout back. We both retire into the kitchen (I place my wallet in my pocket on the way out). “Do you know what you’ve put under my roof?” I ask him in a low whisper. “No” he replies looking confused. “A prostitute Tim! That’s what”, “now if you want to spend the night with her there’s a Holiday Inn over the road and that’s where you’ll be staying.” The look of confusion turns slowly to an innocent look of bewilderment and lastly a look of startled horror. “No?!?” he asks, “Yup” I answer.

Michelle or Nicole or Laura enters the kitchen with a bit more purpose. “You two are both strange.” She tells us, “Really strange” she reiterates. I wonder what the normal people she encounters are like. “I had a strange boyfriend once, he made me torch his office”, I don’t like the opening of this story, “I was given 12 months, but served only 6” she ends. I don’t want to know anymore, but she hasn’t finished with the jail tales. “My brother is in prison” she announces. “Kevin?” I ask confused (remember Andy had seen him earlier). “No, Liam. He stomped on someone’s head and killed them” she finished looking sad. I look at Tim and a wide awake sober looking Tim stares straight back. “I think you should go” he announces slowly and with some authority. Back in the living room Michelle (I’ll use her working name) calls Andy on her mobile and passes me the phone. I tell Andy that she is fine and ready to go home, he asks for my flat number but I tell him to meet her where he dropped her off. I’m not giving out my flat number and hopefully she won’t remember. We have to wait 15 mins for him to arrive. She tells me and Tim about her husband, boyfriend and daughter. She calls her husband and tells him that she doesn’t know where she is but she’s heading back, after a moment of listening she passes Tim the phone. “He wants to speak to you” she tells him. Tim looks at the phone and speaks into it “I’m not prepared to have this conversation” he tells the husband at the other end, he then closes the phone and ends the call in one action passing the phone back to Michelle. “I’ll escort you down” he tells her, but he never does, as soon as she exits Tim locks the door behind her and she’s gone (I pray).

Tomorrow we’ll laugh about it but tonight I think we got off light. In the morning we find her bra and a pair of solid silver Tiffany ear-rings, she made a loss last night. Another night at Bar Med and another tale to tell.